A NOTE TO THE READER: This was written in 2019, and based on events which transpired in 2018. I didn't publish it at the time because it felt like too much of an overshare, and I didn't want every dick and her dog wanking over it. Looking at it through the modern lens of 2024, I … Continue reading The Biggest Lie A F**kboy Ever Told Me
MY name is Alexandria Funnell and some of my favourite pastimes include commitment, changing men, procrastination and jumping to conclusions. Standing at a 5’2’ stature, I certainly don’t have long legs, but what I’ve got, I spread around. I’m generous like that. Back in my mid-twenties, years of an on/off relationship had left me feeling … Continue reading It’s All Funnell And Games Until It’s Not
I’ve been into Astrology since before it was cool, back when it was just considered garden variety batshit. Some may call me a trailblazer of idiocy but I identify more as a pioneer of looney ladies worldwide. It’s a badge I wear with great honour and much emotional erraticism. I like to think of myself … Continue reading I Dated The Entire Zodiac So You Don’t Have To
A BOYFRIEND and I once decided that after five years of being together, we no longer felt the need to “do Valentine’s Day”. When February 14 came around, he didn’t do anything, as per the plan. We were in the car, and I thought he was joking. I had bought him a present because, like, … Continue reading A Biased Interpretation Of All (Some) Of The Times I’ve Been Dumped
SOMEONE once said to me, "Alex, you have zero chill". Admittedly, at the time, I was running down King Street squawking like an actual bird because I was excited but still, they had an incredibly valid point. But do you know what's cool? Caring. And I do a lot of that. I'm the kind of … Continue reading This Is The Only Way To Respond To A Breakup
I don't mean to brag but possibly one of the greatest things about my body is my period cycle syncs up perfectly with the full moon. Call it coincidence. Call it oestrogen. But I am quite literally a lunatic. It's written in the stars. I've always had a lot of respect for the people who … Continue reading The Neuro and The Neurotic
IF I there was a porno about my life, it would be called Too Deep, Too Soon. This would also be the name of my memoir*. But if my life was a fairytale, it would be Goldiloco and The Three Hundred Bears. Because I feel like I’ve dated about three hundred fucking bears. I've long held … Continue reading Goldiloco And The Three Hundred Bears
THE other day I wrote an Open Letter To All The Men Who Don't Want Relationships. There was an unprecedented response from men and women alike. Some offended, some gleeful and some confessors. But it left me feeling like I need to clarify something: Funnellism is not a Loco Lady safe zone. Just because I … Continue reading Are You A Psycho Lady? Or A Cool Chick?
TO whom it may concern - and I can assure you, it should concern you immensely... If I hear one more man say, "I don't want a relationship right now" I'm going to roll my eyes so hard, they might literally rotate into the back of my head. As a woman hailing from the world … Continue reading An Open Letter To All The Men Who Don’t Want Relationships
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 