I’ve been into Astrology since before it was cool, back when it was just considered garden variety batshit.
Some may call me a trailblazer of idiocy but I identify more as a pioneer of looney ladies worldwide. It’s a badge I wear with great honour and much emotional erraticism.
I like to think of myself as a bit of a data collector too.
In addition to collecting the dirty lies you thought you’d get away with, all the times you let me down, and a tally of orgasms you never gave me, I happen to have a fantastic memory for birth dates and more specifically, star signs.
Is this list scientifically sound? Absolutely not! But neither are star signs and it’s got more research than your average Vice article, and that’s gotta stand for something.
- VIRGO – The Virgin
Being with a Virgo is the romantic equivalent of living under a microscope, so slap dat ass down on the petri-dish guuuurl because you’re about to get anal-lysed. Virgos view love and emotions as a form of foreign bacteria that needs to be scrupulously and meticulously assessed before it invades and infects their independence. His biohazard suit is worn in the form of emotional aloofness, criticism, hot & cold behaviour, alone time and hypochondria. I don’t know who tf these Virgos think they are but honestly, the audacity! I know, I know, ‘Not all Virgos’ right?! Wrong. Yes. ALL FUCKING VIRGOS. There’s a reason they’re called Virnogoes. But do you think that’s ever stopped me? Hell no! Virgos are disproportionately represented in my love life. It’s actually quite sickening but I think I’m onto about my ninth Virgo. Why? Because for a bunch of virgins, they sure love to eat my pussy like it’s Mary’s immaculate box lunch.
- GEMINI – The Twins
In my spare time I enjoy reading, writing, swimming and putting Gemini men in the friendzone because I’m telling you that shit is not worth it. The Gemini man’s favourite pastimes include talking incessantly about himself, getting shitty tattoos he regrets, being surrounded by women out of his league, and spending every waking moment liking thot photos of chicks who’ve pulled their bikinis so far up their rectum they look like Borat (no disrespect to the ladies, you look great, where’d you get your tan, can I have your discount code?)
The Gemini man may only have two faces, but he’s got about 50 fingers and he uses them to carry out an obscene amount of texting and social media activity every day. If only he could put those fingers to good use and actually make a girl orgasm. That’s right Gemini, read it and weep. You’re a dud root.
When you inevitably grow tired of his ‘Me, Myself and Gemin-I’ mantras, he won’t even be fazed. There’s already another ‘you’ waiting in the wings. Ever wondered how many other girls your Gemini is texting?
- PISCES – The Fish
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but it’s easy to get swamped in the undercurrent of emotionally unavailable sea rats. When a Pisces swims into your life with his watery blue/green eyes and other worldly emotional depth, you’ll probably feel like you’ve caught the bloody Rainbow Fish. The Pisces man is great at making you really wet...with the salty tears of his traumatic past as he’s crying into your lap. He’ll start off with the light traumas before working into the deeper stuff then bring out those top shelf wounds. All this before you’ve even ordered your main meal. By the end of the night you’ll be deep in his emotional turmoil, and he’ll be balls deep in you. Do not get hooked! There’s always something a little fishy and unpredictable about a Pisces, and before you know it, he’ll be out of your life and leave you feeling like a dirty old Rex Hunt.
- SCORPIO – The Scorpion
Do Scorpios realise that horniess is not a personality trait? Alright, alright. We get it. You’re a regular old Christian Grey. What’s that? Have I been a naughty girl? Omg yes! Saaaaah NaUgHtY! Spank me Zaddy! Okay, so I’m kinda kink shaming here but you know what? Kink shaming is my kink. Sooooo
- TAURUS – The Bull
Taureans are like the Sunday roast of the zodiac. Not to be confused with a spit roast, because that’s more an Aries thing, Taureans are delicious, wholesome, drizzled with gravy and best served with a side of dick for dessert. But get ready to eat that same dick dessert every goddamn night for the rest of your life, including all past and future lives. Your Taurean isn’t mucking around. Relentless and committed, he’s in it for the long haul and you better be too. If not, that raging boner will quickly turn into a raging bull so you better watch your back. Or just show him your red flags. The bull loves red flags.
- ARIES – The Ram
Have you ever smacked your head continuously against a wall? Well that’s pretty much what it’s like arguing with an Aries man. Interestingly, that’s also what it’s like to bone him. I believe the term ‘Ram, jam, thank you maaaaaam’ is a term coined specifically to describe sex with an Aries.
- LIBRA – The Scales
Do you ever scroll through your feed and wonder who the hell are these morons engaging in those futile and relentless arguments on Facebook? They’re all Libras. You might assume these people have better things to do than argue with strangers in the comments section. They don’t. There’s nothing a Libran male loves more than a healthy debate and playing ‘the devil’s advocate’. Mr Head In The Clouds is suuuuch an intellectual. But seriously, can we puh-lease focus a little more on your head under the covers? Because even the devil doesn’t advocate for the lack of reciprocation in that department.
- SAGITTARIUS – The Archer
You know when you’re a kid and a dog breaks into your primary school yard, all the kids are losing their minds, the dog is going mental – it’s pandemonium but also really exciting? That dog is basically a Sagittarius man going through life. You’ll be Sagi-tearin out your hair trying to keep him under control so don’t bother. Your best bet is to put him on one of those extendable & retractable leashes so he can cock his leg on everything in sight but within boundaries. The good news? He’ll only ever take dumps in his own backyard. Congratulations, you are his backyard! Be prepared for a lot of shit. But much like the naughty escaped dog you can’t help but love your adorable Sag and your Sag loves your adorable vag.
- AQUARIUS – The Water Bearer
So there’s a quirky charismatic guy at work. You guys have a great rapport – the convo flows easily and the banter is back and forth. All the signs are there and you’re preeeeettty sure he’s into you. But do you know who else is pretty sure he’s into them? Literally every other girl in the office. Aquarians have this weird way of making you feel as if they like you more than they actually do. This isn’t actually a bad trait, it’s just a little annoying if you’re trying to have a relationship with one. Which you won’t be – he’ll never ever commit to you.
- CANCER – The Crab
A cancer man will hug the horniess out of you until you’re living in a sexless relationship fueled by over explaining, back tracking and paying for way more things than them because those crabs are stingy little penny pinchers. The term ‘crabby’ was certainly made for Cancerian males – I have never seen so much sooking and sulking than from a disgruntled cancer man. I’m sure they make great tacos though.
- LEO – The Lion
I guarantee all the Leos reading this have skipped straight to this section. I’m sorry to disappoint you Your Majesty, but I haven’t really had many romantic interactions with Leos. Can you hear that? It’s the collective roar of Leo men all around the world, aghast at the notion that someone could go through life not having been blessed with his king jungle dick. All I can really say is that Leos tend to be very charismatic, beautiful and charming. Just ask them.
- CAPRICORN – The Goat
Capricorns are out here thinking they’re the G.O.A.T when in actual fact they’re probably more like a billy goat. These little mountain climbers will stop at nothing until they’re at the top, upon which he will erect his red flag pole and depart, proudly ready to conquer another. FYI you’re the mountain in this metaphor. Wanna know a Capricorn’s fav sex position? The mind fuck, because this dude is gonna fuck with you head. There’s a time and a place for everything. Except Capricorns.
I’m convinced all signs are as messed up as each other and it should just be called a Horrorscope everyone is Zodiwacked.
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 