This Is The Only Way To Respond To A Breakup

SOMEONE once said to me, “Alex, you have zero chill”. Admittedly, at the time, I was running down King Street squawking like an actual bird because I was excited but still, they had an incredibly valid point.

But do you know what’s cool? Caring. And I do a lot of that.

I’m the kind of person that really fucking cares and every now and then, I find someone else who cares too. Let’s making caring cool again!

So here I was having been through what felt like an eternity of rubbish dating and I found myself in a situation I hadn’t truly been in a long time: happy. Not with anyone, just happy on my own.

People say people don’t change. But I don’t agree with that: circumstances and experiences do change people. They alter a person’s entire existence and personality.

For the first time in a long time, I felt myself again. I hadn’t inherently changed as a person. Rather, I’d gone back to the person I believe I was always meant to be.

It was during this time I took a moment to really collect myself and decide what it was I wanted. I spent a few nights meditating, and overdosing on incense, candles, and hours worth of talks and books from my favourite thought leaders. My producer recently said to me: “You seem like the type that has vision boards”. I don’t have vision boards. But I do meditate and tap into visions/ideal outcomes that I would like to manifest. This one night I got a really clear vision of a man who I felt would be perfect for me. I decided to write a list of all the things I felt I wanted in a partner. I suppose it included bits and pieces from various people I’d dated over the years.

We order everything else we want, why can’t we order people too?

This is the list, in no particular order of importance (don’t judge my hand writing, I didn’t realise I’d be posting this in a blog months down the track, also, I wouldn’t have put tall on there because I don’t want to seem like a shallow little bitch):

I then put the list down, picked up my phone, and absentmindedly went on Tinder. Does the Universe work that fast? I don’t fucking know. But within minutes, I had matched with someone who looked pretty much exactly like what I had written and envisioned. It kind of freaked me out.

His bio said: Drummer, designs buildings.

 

I didn’t message him, but he messaged me. It was something fairly long.

I was skeptical. How could my list have actually worked that quickly? I sent the list to a couple of people prior to our meet up because in the event things went well, I wanted to prove I had in fact ‘conjured’ this man into being.

Within the week, we had our first date. We didn’t stop talking for hours. Now, I know my life isn’t a TV show (yet), but if I could script a person to be basically perfect, this would be it.

Way back in 2014, I wrote a list of Most and Least Desirable Male Professions As Voted By Me.

Now, I know you can’t go around writing all these lists. But I do, okay? I just do, and an architect has pretty much always been on top of my list.

Anyway, this guy wasn’t quite an architect – he was a draftsman who was about to start a job lecturing in building design and was strongly considering doing the two years to become a qualified architect. So basically, an architect (how many times can you write architect in the one paragraph?)

On top of this, he ran an independent record label, had spent his younger years as touring drummer, worked with people who had disabilities, loved and played sport, barracked for Essendon (only Essendon supporters understand how important this is), had a keen interest in the occult, psychics, ghosts – all the good shit!

From that point on, we messaged all day every day the longest texts I have ever written or received in my life. We spoke about life, the world, our upbringings, hopes, dreams, aspirations – everything. There were no conversation restrictions except one: when the text went into ‘note mode’ – you’d written too much and you needed to reign it the fuck in.

He once told me one of his celebrity crushes was Edwina Bartholomew, which was not only obscure, but also happened to be MY female celebrity crush. Edwina had been one of the main reasons I wanted to work at Sunrise!

Side note: dreams do come true, this is me doing a TLC rendition with Edwina:

On paper, this guy was basically a dreamboat. It was like I had conjured him out of my dreams.

We spent so much time talking and connecting, I hadn’t had time to assess or feel our chemistry.

But thinking with my dick hadn’t exactly worked in my favour for the past 299 times. So maybe, just maybe, not having chemistry to fry my brain and send me down a path of death and destruction for once was the different angle I needed?

He drove me home and suggested a second date.

Our essays continued every day for the next seven weeks. There was something significant between us. Most notably our incredibly strong emotional connection. I connect with a lot of people on a deep level. But even I hadn’t really felt a bond quite like this. He was amazing, present, communicative and caring. He was super busy but he still always made time for me (thus proving every time I have cracked it about the “i’ve been so busy” argument – I was indeed right to).

He cared about me and I cared about him.  It was so refreshing. We went on a ghost tour together. It was also during this time my Nan died. Of course, he was super present and supportive. He made me a playlist and came over with my favourite bottle of wine and let me show him HOURS worth of Hanson videos on YouTube. He even let me do his Astrological birth chart and didn’t mock me for it. He listened to what I had to say and respected me and equally, I respected him. I valued his opinion, I trusted his insight and I aspired to have his level of integrity.

This was the kind of guy you marry.

And that’s the thing, somebody already had.

How on earth had I left: NEVER BEEN MARRIED off my list?!

So this beautiful dreamboat man was married and about two years separated.

He was upfront about the situation and told me he was happy to answer any questions now, or as they came up. I wasn’t overly affected by this fact. Everything else was so great, it would have been incomprehensible to write someone off because of this minor detail.

On the surface it looked exactly like it was full steam ahead and he was charging us towards relationship territory. However, as time went on, although he had told me he was emotionally available, I could sense his heart wasn’t quite as ready as he had said. I am fairly sure his intentions had been to make something work between us. That seemed like the plan. Maybe his head thought it was a good thing but maybe his heart was a bit blocked and broken? Perhaps it just started to become too real? I don’t really know.

I do know, it all unravelled very quickly one night.

At the time I felt, and to an extent, still feel, quite misled by him. But to be fair, I suspect he misled himself too. I believe he had the best intentions.

I was pretty surprised by the way things panned out between us. But at the same time, I’m not sure I would change it, because it allowed me the chance to master the art of being dumped. 

You should try it.