THE other day I wrote an Open Letter To All The Men Who Don’t Want Relationships.
There was an unprecedented response from men and women alike. Some offended, some gleeful and some confessors.
But it left me feeling like I need to clarify something: Funnellism is not a Loco Lady safe zone. Just because I engage in the occasional man bashing post does not mean the little lady lunatics of the world are off the hook. I’m a feminist. But more than that, I’m a Funnellist. I hate men and women equally.
I reckon the only thing people like doing more than fucking each other, is fucking each other up. Behind every emotionally unavailable man who doesn’t want a relationship, there is a psycho woman who made him that way. (I’d know). It’s a vicious cycle we’re all responsible for.
Although I’m a massive fan of generalisations, contradictions, accusations and piss-taking, I’m also really into helping people, especially people’s emotional well-being. I believe as long as you’re a better person today than you were yesterday, that’s all we can aim for — we’re all just pieces of shit trying to make it in this shitful world.
I made a joke in my last post about not being Oprah. But today, I’m feeling like Oprah and YOU GET SOME ADVICE! YOU CAN GET FUCKED! AND YOU CAN LEARN A MUTHFUCKING LESSON!
I have a lot of thoughts and theories on a lot of things. But the thing I have the most thoughts and theories on is relationships. In my post I criticised a lot of people. Like they should automatically just know how to be better in relationships. But what if some people actually don’t?
Well that’s where The Love Oracle (me) comes into it.
I’m going to assume most people don’t have enough self-reflection to delve into any sort of intense therapy. And why should they? As long as you’re mildly functioning in a sea of dysfunction, what’s the point? Functionality is massively over rated, but for those who are interested, I’ve prepared a little relational rescue cheat sheet of sorts.
In order to make a baseline improvement on your relationship impairment, the bare minimum an average dysfunctional person needs is to at the very least understand their own Love Language and Attachment Style.
Love Language is a notion coined by Psychologist Dr Gary Chapman and it posits that each person has a preference toward: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Obviously we like all of these things, but Dr. Chapman argues each person will have a clear leaning towards one or two over the others. That’s your ‘Love Language’.
This is super helpful because in my experience, relational incompatibility often just comes down to a very simple misunderstanding of how each partner shows, but more importantly feels, love.
For example, if your primary love language is gifts but you’re partnered up with someone whose love language is words of affirmation, you’re going to notice some friction – the materialistic fucker is going to be wanting to give AND receive gifts in order to feel loved and appreciated. Meanwhile, the word frother is patiently waiting for those compliments and dishing them out. The compliments fall on deaf ears because all the gift gal is waiting for is the presents. Meanwhile, the word lover doesn’t even notice the little gifts being left around the house because all they’re doing is wondering *whiney voice* why don’t you never tell me I’m beautiful?!
Do yourself a favour and take the test here.
The only thing that’s more important than knowing your Love Language is knowing your Attachment Style. This is widely known psychology based on Attachment Theory is probably best explained through the book Attached by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine. Knowing your attachment style will go a long way in helping you recognise your dysfunctional patterns and habits. Essentially there are only four attachment styles and whilst you cannot change your framework, you can learn to understand it a little better and hopefully change your behaviours (if they are dysfunctional).
Attached breaks down the categories like this:
- Avoidant attachment (23% of the population) – You know that ex you refer to as ‘sociopathic’? Chances are they’re probably just an avoidant. These people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. This is the guy who will pretty much always find himself in the ‘not boyfriend’ category. Even if the avoidant is in a committed relationship, they will consistently be on the look out for signs their independence is being threatened and retaliate accordingly – go off the radar for a bit, sabotage an important event, evade intimate and emotional connection, withhold affection, get easily bored, pre-occupied with work or non-relational activities etc.
- Anxious attachment (20% of the population) – This will most likely be your needy ex/current partner who is often preoccupied with the relationship and tends to worry about your ability to love them back. Any perceived threat to the connection will activate the attachment system and a series of behaviours which attempt to re-connect with the partner will then follow – calling, messaging, stalking etc. If attempts to re-establish the connection are to no avail, the protest behaviour will set in. This is where the friction between the anxious/avoidant will really come into play.
In a cruel universe twist, the avoidant and the anxious attached will mostly be drawn to each other. Why? Because that’s just how the world works, okay? That’s why the world’s filled with dysfunction and a bunch of people who don’t want relationships.
Luckily for the future of humanity, the majority (56 per cent) of the population fit into the secure attachment style group. These people are the pin-ups of the dating/relationship world. Essentially the holy grail. These people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Essentially the theory dictates ideally, we’d all end up with a secure attached person. If you fall into this category, you’ve probably stopped reading my blog.
For the remaining 1 per cent, they’re categorised as a rare combination of anxious and avoidant. I honestly don’t really have any advice for this type. Except: You’re fucked.
So before you start diagnosing yourself, your ex or even your current partner, it’s worth noting there’s not necessarily a massive correlation between attachment style and relationship status. So don’t go getting all smug thinking you’re a ‘secure’ type just because you’re clogging my newsfeed with your wedding pics. Just because you’re off the market doesn’t mean you were a good purchase. It can actually be quite the opposite. I mean, who doesn’t have a mate who’s married to a crazy controlling psycho?
My good friend Dave Broder always says: “Relationship advice is the least taken advice” and I’d have to agree with him. I don’t honestly expect anyone to change or listen to me. But you should, because as much as people try to deny it, they are the common denominator in their own bullshit experiences. So fucking get to know yourself and get better at relating to people. After all, we’re all just pieces of shit but wouldn’t it be nice to find another piece of shit to share it with?
P.s – Post your Love Language in the comments! (I doubt anyone is going to post their attachment style, but feel free to dob in a mate)
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 