TO whom it may concern – and I can assure you, it should concern you immensely…
If I hear one more man say, “I don’t want a relationship right now” I’m going to roll my eyes so hard, they might literally rotate into the back of my head.
As a woman hailing from the world of Zero Chill, I feel it’s really important to honest from the get go. I’ve always been really upfront with people. If I start dating someone I will tell them from the start my favourite past times include: commitment, changing men and jumping to conclusions.
People don’t really listen though. They think it’s cute and that I am joking.
But I am deadly serious.
One of the unfortunate aspects of the inundation of sex apps on the dating scene is the rise in the ‘Not Boyfriend’ movement. A ‘Not Boyfriend’ will do pretty much everything a boyfriend does. But do not get confused because by definition, he is not your boyfriend.
The ‘Not Boyfriend’ conversation will usually go something like this:
This conversation will take place 3-4 dates into a ‘budding romance’:
Man: “Heeeeeey, so I need to be honest, I am not looking for a relationship right now.”
Alex: *Rolls eyes into the back of her head* (Patronising) “Okaaaay, so what do you want to do?”
Man: “Keep doing what we’re doing, you know, hanging out and stuff? I really enjoy your company, I feel I can tell you anything…”
Alex: “Well this isn’t a fucking episode of Oprah, you cunt. Get off my couch.”
Man: “But I feel like we really have a connection…”
Alex: “No shit! You Moron. We do. So what’s the problem?”
Man: “I just don’t feel ready to be your boyfriend…”
Alex: “Well I don’t feel ready for your dick anymore. In fact, my vagina just dried up!”
Man: *Laughs* “You’re hilarious!”
Alex: “I know. It’s what I do for a living. But I don’t see you paying me $100k a year for it, so if it’s my ‘content’ you’re after, fucking go online and read my blog like the rest of the plebs.”
Man: “So are we cool?”
Alex: “Yep, and you’re not my boyfriend – got it!”
End of conversation (for today). Rinse and repeat. Tomorrow, the next day, the next day….
People might say I’m not doing the dating thing right. You know, being honest about my intentions. But as someone who is always right in everything I do, say and think, I find that incredibly hard to agree with. My Dad has suggested if a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with me, I should say, “That’s great! Neither do I!” But I’ve found in doing that, I lose the power of self-righteousness. Which is pretty much my favourite thing in the world!
Extract from a recent convo with a generic, garden variety man who “doesn’t want a relationship”:
Since when does wanting an emotionally available person qualify me as sensitive? Have I missed the social memo or something? Isn’t that what we’re put on this earth for? To connect and relate? Since when did it become so uncool to fucking care? What a sad and sorry state we live in.
I am not so hell bent on settling down and starting a family right now. That’s not what I am talking about. And sometimes things genuinely just don’t work out. That is fine. I’m referring to the people who use half-baked emotional and sexual connections to satiate their own sadness, loneliness and emptiness. It’s become a socially accepted norm to float through a sea of casual relationships as a means of escaping pain.
It’s fucking selfish, weak and pathetic.
Grow up.
If you know you’re not in the right head space for a relationship, that’s actually a really great thing you’ve recognised within yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. But the answer doesn’t lie in using a bunch of people to fulfill your needs. If you need time to learn to love yourself, heal from a past hurt, or just find out exactly who you are…fucking BE ALONE. It sucks, I agree. Waking up on your own is boring, hard and sad at times. But it can also be really empowering and fulfilling. Don’t jump on a bunch of sex apps and use people to distract you from your inner turmoil. Don’t be a dickhead, yanno?
People argue that by saying they’re not looking for anything serious right now that they’re being honest. But that isn’t being honest. Being honest looks like this:
“Hey, so I am feeling pretty down trodden and low on self-esteem right now so I’m basically just lining up a bunch of people – including you – as means of trying to make myself feel better. I don’t have a genuine interest or regard for your feelings. I don’t respect you. You will never be the mother of my children. I want to sleep with as many people as possible. I know this probably isn’t the nicest or healthiest thing to be doing, but everyone else is doing it so I’m going to do it too. I’ve been hurt recently and as a result, I feel like I have a right to pretty much disregard other people’s feelings too. I am going to hurt you because I am unwilling and unable to fall in love. The moment you’re out of this house I’ll pretty much be messaging some other girl and doing the same thing to them. I am quite mean and very selfish. I am indifferent to your place in my life. You are disposable to me. But I’m not going to tell you the truth because if I do, I know you won’t keep giving me what I want, which depending on my mood, could be your boobs, your butt, your brain or hair. Not sure, but I still want you as an option for when I am feeling lonely or sad.”
Why doesn’t anybody just say this?
They don’t say this because they know it greatly diminishes their chances of keeping you onside. And let’s face it, most non-committal people aren’t sociopaths. They’re just scared little people who don’t know how to deal with all their feelings. So they’ll always give you a bit to keep you around. Just enough to keep you hanging in there.
Well. Here’s some advice: GET OFF THE FUCKING DATING APPS, GO SEE A THERAPIST AND LEAVE THE POOR SINGLE PEOPLE WHO ARE GENUINELY TRYING TO FIND LOVE ALONE.
Just stop contributing to the cycle of dysfunction. I’m not a fucking pick and mix. Please obey the signs and keep out. You’re not welcome! Imbeciles can fuck right off.
Honestly, the most confusing part out of all of this is there have been so many times when people say they don’t want a relationship, but then end up in one anyway. I’ve even had ‘Not Boyfriends’ turn into boyfriends before. I do acknowledge sometimes people are just a little hesitant and take a while to admit they are falling into a relationship. I totally do get that. But I’ve noticed a massive increase in this inherent aversion towards feelings, vulnerability and connection among people and to me it’s just bloody awful and sad. We’re consuming people at the same rate we consume products and it’s just not sustainable. Okay, maybe that idiot was right. I am a sensitive soul. But fuck! I refuse to survive off crumbs of affection and I am really tired of this ’emotionally unavailable’ trend. Make commitment cool again!
Sincerely,
Alex Funnell xx
Authors note: This post is written from MY perspective. It doesn’t take into account any other perspective so don’t come at me with your ‘girls do this too’ or ‘what about polyamory’ bullshit. I am writing about men because that’s all I have any authority on as I have only ever dated men. I cannot comment on any other dating scene – homosexual, trans, bi etc. But I’m sure they have their own other bullshit they have to deal with.
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 
From a fellow “sensitive” type who is too honest and seeking a healthy relationship:
Thank you so much for your amazing brave, honest and bold statement! My hat off to you lady! Thank you for helping inspire me to continue to stand my ground and trust my gut…I am struggling with a situation involving an emotionally unavailable firefighter. I am also a firefighter. Being a female in a male dominated industry makes it hard for me to not be sexist a lot of the time. However, I feel like I am aware of the dynamics of the male species moreso than a lot of women due to my being around them too much. And I honestly feel for them sometimes. I needed this letter to mull over for ammunition for my situation. Ammunition might be a rather aggressive term for dealing with this “not boyfriend” but I already gave him chances and the “not boyfriend” conversation has been happening for too many days now…so thanks lady!
Hi Sweet Pea! Thanks for your comment. I agree, it’s a tough one. As much as I love to crack it and just write in a ‘one size fits all’
approach, every situation is different and complicated. People do have their own stuff to deal with. I feel it’s important to love yourself first and foremost, and when someone says they aren’t ready – believe them. Whenever I find myself desperate to connect or relate, it pushes people away. Not saying it should. But it sort of just does? If you feel you’ve given him enough chances, walking away is never the bad option. It is however, always the hardest! At the end of the day, you know what’s best for you, and whatever will he will be. Only time can tell! Best of luck with everything. Much love, Alex
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