Things I Hate About Travel That Other People Probably Can’t Relate To

SITTING in a hostel and all anyone can talk about is Burning Man. Honestly, I’ve overheard countless conversations and the only thing anyone can really report back is how dusty it is and how dirty their clothes still are. That is really annoying to me. Here are some other things that I kind of hate about travel.

MEETING NEW PEOPLE

I swear if I meet another goddamn person who is on a journey of self -discovery I am going to piff this laptop out the window. I don’t care what you’ve learned about yourself. I don’t know you. I also don’t care that you struggle to fit into social norms back home. I can probably guess why you don’t. It’s because you’re annoying as all fuck. Societal conventions exist to keep the billions of people that inhabit this earth in check. The only reason you’ve got the luxury to travel is because you live in a capitalist society with functioning economies. Just conform. Please. And put your shoes on. You smell. Oh really, you’ve just had that life epiphany? That’s beautiful. Well done. I had that at like 12 and I didn’t even need to spend thousands of dollars to sit in some over-priced desert living on nothing but dust, semen and hallucinogens for ten days. I just read a few books and had…thoughts. Try it you dumb fuck. Leave me alone. I am putting my headphones in. I have to go and blog about you.

 REPEATING MY ITINERARY

I don’t know how many times I have to say this but you do not DO a country you privileged fucktard. You visit a country. You don’t bend it over and ‘do’ it. It’s not a ride. It’s a place where real people live. Don’t ask me if I have “done” South East Asia as if it were there to be raped and pillaged by rich white people…(lol, it kinda is!!) Yes. I’ve fucking been to other countries. But I’m not going to wave my passport flaps in your face so please. Stop waving your flaps in mine.

EXPERIENCING NEW THINGS

 

I dunno. New things are kind of overrated. I’m twenty fucking eight and I’ve done a shit load of things. In the almost three decades I’ve been alive I’ve whittled my favourite activities down into a succinct top ten or so.

I like to eat. I like to drink. I like to have sex. I like to dance. I like to write. I like to watch TV. I like to make fun of people and shit stir. I like the beach. I like to research people. I like nature. Any ‘activity’ I engage in has to be related to those things in some capacity. If it’s not, count me out right now, pls.

I met this girl at a hostel in the US and sat there for 10 minutes explaining to me how she loves to push limits and how she loves danger. So I started testing her with extreme hypothetical situations. This imbecile told me if there was a pending terrorist attack at an airport, she would actually GO to the airport to experience it. It was at that point I leaned across the table and slapped her in the face. I then reached for the gun I’d just bought really easily with no license or background check at Walmart and shot her square in the vagina. I was like…you know what? That’s so you don’t ever have the chance to pro-create. We don’t need any more dumb fucks like you in this world.

SEXUAL PROMISCUITY AND LACK OF RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL

I am a massive fan of slut shaming. The problem is, the only person I slut shame is myself. I get really sexually attached quite quickly. I don’t mean to brag but I can pretty much fall in love in 3 weeks. Some people play hard to get, I’m more a fan of playing hard to get rid of. The unfortunate problem with travel is that it prevents me from operating within those narrow-minded and constricting views on human relationships in which I feel really comfortable. So yeah, that’s a challenge for me. Of course it doesn’t stop me from hitting da clubs, furiously swiping on Tinder and just generally being a slutty sex pest abroad. To be honest, I’m probably worse when I travel in terms of my male consumption. It’s just so much easier. My market value among foreign men appears to be at least 25% higher than in the Australian dating market. Not that I am an object. But like, I’m still a woman so I  kind of am. And that’s something I don’t like about travel. I get caught up in my slut value.

SPONTANEITY

Ah. Spontaneity. A crowd favourite among many users of the various sex apps available to our generation. It’s so on trend to “like spontaneity”. But I actually kind of hate it. Do you know what spontaneity breeds? Inconvenience. And everyone knows I am lazy as all fuck so anything that leads to inconvenience is just not gonna gel with me.

THE GUILT ASSOCIATED WITH DOING SWEET FUCK ALL

Sometimes I just want to sit and stare at a fucking wall without the added pressure of knowing I’ve spent thousands of dollars to be in a beautiful part of the world I might not ever get another opportunity to see again. Yanno? I don’t need that pressure in my life.

 PEOPLE BACK HOME WANTING TO KNOW HOW YOUR TRIP IS GOING AND WHAT YOU’RE DOING

Please see above. I am not doing much. It’s good here. I am having fun. I love travel. Can’t wait to come back. Hi Mum.