SOME people call me a man whisperer. I don’t know why. I’m much more of a man yeller. But nevertheless, they keep coming to me for advice. The people ask the questions, I give the answers. You’re welcome guys. The following are some texts which I’ve been asked to analyse over the past few months. I do my best to give rock solid advice. I call it Funnellysis and it’s a service I’ve been providing for many years free of charge. I’ve decided to share it with the masses. Use it wisely.
*Girls’ names have been changed for the sake of their dignity*
Okay, I see why you’re finding this is a bit confusing but it’s actually a lot more simple than you think: he wants a relationship with you, he’s just scared. It really is as plain as that. Men get scared of relationships so they put up walls and try to push women away. This is a classssssic case of a guy feeling intimidated. See how he starts abruptly and then gets really sweet and calls you beautiful? Yeah. That’s what he really means. He just doesn’t know how to express it.
My advice to you would be to let him ‘cum’ on your face, and straight afterwards start talking about your future. He’ll feel a lot more relaxed and in control. It will give him the comfort level he needs to take it to the next level with you and finally settle down. Men really like sex, so it’s important to pull out all stops early on in the dating scene. Make sure you step out of your sexual comfort zone and exaggerate your libido. Once you’ve nabbed him, you’re free to slip back into your natural state of with holding sex based on his behaviour, devotion and gift buying abilities. HA! Aren’t men stupid sometimes?! lol.
He wants to bang Georgia. That is if he hasn’t already banged Georgia. Do you know what? They’re probably banging now. There’s really no two ways about it. That arsehole. Kill him. Then cut up his body and send it to Georgia. See how she likes him now, that little slurry man eater. Fuck Georgia.
This is a bit of sensitive one. It’s obvious he has body issues so you have to tread really carefully. It goes pretty widely unreported but men are equally as susceptible to body dysmorphia as women and I am fairly sure this is the situation here. You need to be really supportive so I’d suggest telling him how handsome he is and how hot you find his body. Be really specific in your response, eg – “Seb, I really like your black arm hairs and the way your body feels on mine when we are having sex, I have a really great time and never wish I was with anyone else. You have a great body and a great personality and when you put the two together, I can’t help but feel as though you’re someone really special. I want you to know you are really special and your body is amazing, but it’s not just about your body. Even if you had a shit personality, I would still find your body attractive because it’s very aesthetically pleasing – you look great in trunks.” Follow up about 5 minutes later with “And a man’s gotta eat! So I’ve booked us a table at that restaurant I saw you check in to with Kayla last year (I went stalking lol)’.
If he still doesn’t respond, let him know you are happy to hang with his friends if he can’t be arsed doing dinner. Remember, be chill. It’s early days.
Did someone say sensitive new age guy?! I think he’s the one. Why the fuck else would he be mentioning co-inhabitation so early on in the piece? He’s so nice. Men are well aware alluding to housing, renting, moving, finances and travel plans etc is a clear invitation for a woman to begin lactating. Lactate away, guuuuurl. Why would he toy with your heart like that unless he was deadly serious and keen on you? He wouldn’t. And if he is just fucking with you and playing mind games, well, he’s obviously a sociopathic a hole. Which, he could well be. But I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and start scheduling trips to Ikea. Yay!
Wow. This guy reads into things waaaaaaay too much. He needs to calm down and stop being so sensitive. At this rate I don’t think it’s looking great for you guys. But if you want to at least try to salvage it, I think your best bet is sitting him down and having a much needed d & m. It’s pretty obvious to me that’s exactly what this bloke is angling for. When he gets home, sit him and down, no matter how tired and hungry he is, and insist on ‘fleshing the issues out of our relationship’. Give him a safe and comfortable space for him to express his thoughts about the important things – feelings, future and finances. Let him know you didn’t mean anything when you asked him to get the milk. It was just a simple message, but you totally understand how it might have been misconstrued. Hopefully he’ll be okay…good luck!
Alright, so this guy clearly has priorities and they are certainly NOT you. Is that what you want? A man who has other priorities? Pffft. If Luke was SO badly injured, why wouldn’t he just tell you? Why would he wait for you to message him before he told you? Haven’t you guys been going out like six weeks?! It’s fucking bizaaaaarre. I wouldn’t stand for it and I’d probably call him out. As soon as he calls, ask him straight up: ‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me about Luke if it was so serious? Did you have ANY plans to re-schedule on me? Or were you just going to leave it?!’ It’s not really good enough, IMO. He probs deserves a second chance but only if he invites you to the hospital or at least takes you for brunch the next day.
ABORT MISSION. There’s a reason Virgos are better known as Virnogos. I’m sorry for your loss. But this is never going to work. It. Can. Never. Work. Save yourself the heartache, go find a sexy sag.
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 