Things I Don’t Understand About Life & Love

THERE are just some things you shouldn’t do.

• People who sit in those massage chairs in shopping centres and actually use them. WHY do you do that? As if shopping centres aren’t distressing enough without seeing your pulsating body and smug imbecilic face. Don’t make my experience worse than it has to be.

• Waiters and waitresses who get annoyed when you only order water as a drink. WHAT is it to you?  You don’t own this restaurant. I still ordered food. I drank about 45 vodka lime and sodas last night. I’ve already had 20 coffees today. I do not WANT anything other than water. I am not stingy. I can afford a fucking drink. I just don’t want one. Anyway. You’re still getting your 20 bucks an hour. WHY dafuq do you care? I just don’t understand.

• People who leave their Facebook messages unseen indefinitely. Are you a sociopath? Do you have no compassion? Where. Is. Your. Soul? How do people like you still exist? *Bonus points when it’s someone you’re kinda seeing and they’re just like…not seeing your messages. WTF?

• On the topic, I never understand the morons who have ‘read receipts’ enabled on their iPhone. This is slightly more forgiving because it shows sheer naivity and stupidity. But seriously. Are you that wholesome and well-intentioned you’re happy for everybody to know exactly when you’ve read their message? Are you sincerely so good at returning texts that you’re transparent enough to have it all on display? Kudos to you. I suppose. But I still just don’t get people like you.

• People who don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Yes, it is a commercial rort. But guess what…SO IS EVERYTHING YOU DO. That iPhone? Commercial rort. Those Nikes? COMMERCIAL RORT. That fucking cronut you spent 5 hours lining up for?!?!?! Commercial RORT. It’s called capitalism you numb skull and you like it when it SUITS you. So please. Shut the fuck up and buy me a fucking Valentine’s Day present you little bitch fucker. I will murder you. I just don’t understand your logic. Maybe you just don’t love me? THAT makes more sense to me than your anti-V Day sentiment. Seriously.

• People who don’t want relationships. These are obviously my most hated people. Okay, I get it. We all get you’ve been hurt. You’ve hurt someone recently. You want to focus on your career. You want ‘alone’ time. You don’t like PRESSURE. You want to go to fucking Morocco and hump a camel. I get it. But, like, I really don’t you see. Who the fuck doesn’t want love? Seriously. To me that is the most sorry state of affairs ever. NEWSFLASH: There’s actually nothing else to DO in life. That’s why we are on this earth…TO RELATE TO HUMANS. Do you know what relating to HUMANS is called?! It’s called BEING IN FUCKING RELATIONSHIPS. It’s not rocket science. There is no formula. Life is actually not that complicated. You’re born, you make friends, you love your family and you try to make shit work with whatever or who ever it is you’re into. Whatever the fuck that is. And guess what? MOST of the time it doesn’t work. But that’s okay. Because you move on. You love again. You find joy in new people and shit. People who use that term “I don’t want a relationship” consistently in conversation are actually the most emotionally retarded people I know. Seriously. I know a fair few people. And the ones that say that are just fucked in general. You know where you need to go? TO THE FUCKING COUNSELOR. Just go. Because you are not okay. And this is NOT acceptable.

 

• Establishments that have a “cash only” rule. No. I’m sorry. This is not allowed. We live in a cashless society forfucksake. If you only accept cash, but I don’t have cash…what are you going to do about it? Make me pay? Yeah? With what? I don’t have cash. Okay, sure. Send me 200 metres down the road and force me to withdraw cash and pay that stupid two dollar fifty surcharge bullshit. Go on. I DARE you. Because I am so mad right now, if you let me leave this venue, I am NOT coming back. Not with your cash. And not EVER. You fucking fool. Why do YOU deserve to have you business exempt from paying tax? You don’t. You use our roads. You use our schools. You use our fucking hospitals. So please, get a fucking Eftpos machine and declare your ACTUAL earnings you sneaky little mofo. I just don’t understand the nerve of you.

• Terrorist attack in Western populated area = world condemnation and mourning. Terrorist attack anywhere else = very few fucks given. I just don’t UNDERSTAND.

• People who pay the $4 to “jump the queue” on budget airlines. Okay. I get it. Waiting in line is a bit shit. But if you’ve got THAT much money that you will literally pay 4 bucks not to stand there for an extra couple of minutes, I really think you need to re-evaluate your life. You’re on Tiger like the rest of us shmucks now suck it up and wait.

• Intelligent people who genuinely believe Justin Bieber has redeemed himself and somehow become a “good” person. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you so susceptible to media spin and hype you’ve actually swallowed that garbage? Look at me. I am the biggest teeny bopper poster fucking fan girl that ever existed and even I know it’s a fucking croc of shit. Grow up. Seriously. I just don’t understand you people. It’s unbeliebable.