IF this offends you good. You deserve it.
Competitions: I’m going to say this once and once only. Do not share anything that says “share to win”. You will not win. Not only will you not win, you will LOSE AT LIFE YOU FUCKING MORONIC LOSER. Is there some kind of vaccination against stupidity? We need that.
Crowd Funding: I’ll give you money NOT to create that boring short film you’re going to be harping on about and clogging my newsfeed with for the next 12 months. Seriously.
Blogging: If you have a tendency to blog but ‘Haven’t blogged in ages’ do not apologise for the delay on posts. Nobody has been waiting for your amateur blog. Literally nobody. People only read blogs when they’re bored. People’s minds are feeble and fickle. I’ve told you this: Nobody Gives A Shit About You.
Couples: To the couples posting pictures of yourselves eating dinner: Eat your fucking meal and shut up. We do not care about that lavish meal you’re throwing down your gob. The last time I checked you cannot experience a meal through your eyeballs. What? Do you want me to lick my screen? Jesus.
But I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to make out like you’re both soooo loved up because you like totes “just cooked Justin a delish meal…yummy yummy in my tummy yummy love him xx”.
But let’s be honest. This is the reality of the situation.
Justin does not give a SHIT about you. I’m sorry.
I cooked for a man once. Never again. And do you know why? Because if he’s hungry he can eat my pussy, bitch. That’s why.
Holidays: Oh yeah, so you’re sipping cocktails by the pool having the time of your life relaxing and escaping from #life? No you’re not. You’re sitting by the pool taking photos of yourself sipping cocktails by the pool pretending you’re escaping life. It’s not the same thing. Everybody knows the real good times had on holidays are not Facebook friendly. But wouldn’t Facebook be way better if they were?! eg. Woo! I’m in South East Asia – Eat, Pray, Fuck! #Namasste
But please don’t update your status literally. That is so 2007. Who even does that anymore? Eg.’Just arrived in Peru, ate some eggs and now off to see the statues’. What are you? A simpleton? Nobody caaaaaaares. (THAT WAS A REAL LIFE STATUS I ONCE SAW ON MY NEWSFEED!)
Gratitude: Nobody on the internet cares what you’re grateful for. Seriously. We all watch Oprah. We get what you’re trying to do but you’re missing the point. Feeling spoilt? That’s because you are. You’re a spoilt brat. Shut up.
Posting: People who never post are just as bad as those who always do it. It’s like this dumb badge of honour they walk around wearing. As if they’ve somehow clocked life because, ‘I like neeeeverrrr post anythaaaaang on social mediiiieeeerrr, I just use it to talk to people when I’m like overseas you knooooow’. Oh my god. You are not better than people who post constantly. You are worse. You’re BORING. You have nothing interesting to say. It’s the Internet ffs. It’s what it’s here for. To share content. It’s not going away. So share some fucking content. Please. Or get off the Internet. Nobody likes you. Go home. Your passive noncontributing observing is ruining it for everyone else. Booooooo.
Countdowns: Possibly one of the most idiotic mistakes I see people making online is the creation of some kind of digital countdown. It’s the most nuff nuff behaviour of all the online behaviours, short of inviting people to play Candy Crush or Mafia Wars. So you’ve got a wedding countdown happening? 72 days to go. Are you joking? Are you actually that deluded you think your entire Facebook audience wants to spend the next SEVENTY TWO DAYS counting down with you until your “big day”? Oh my fucking god. Kill me now.
Friend Requests: Adding your boyfriend’s female friend whom you’ve never met is the online equivalent of saying, “Hey Alex, you’re so beautiful and funny can you please choke me with your perfect blonde hair?”. You just don’t do that. You’re obviously jealous and think your boyfriend has a thing for me. You want to suss the scene. But rest assured, you’ve got nothing to worry about! If I wanted to fuck your boyfriend I would have. Five years ago when he was still hot.
Open Letters: Before you open your mouth, think again, and shut it. That’s all I really have to say about that.
It's like fundamentalism without 'da mental' part 